Opening up & Letting go
I have come to love the way that endings and beginnings taper into each other, enveloping one another in such a way that it's impossible to tell them apart. This week was the final week of my training, but the beginning of a detox. The last week of my detox will be my first week teaching at Lotus Yoga Dallas in Lakewood. Between these will be my last week at 24 Hour Richardson and Coit.
I want to say that I love my students. I wish I could take you all with me. I will still be available on Saturdays at 24 Hour Plano Super Sport at 11:30 AM. However, my evening classes will be passed along to another teacher who will, I'm sure, take great care of you. I just want to leave you with the 4 lessons I have learned from you in this last year.
1) Every Body is Different--and that's OK.
When I started teaching at 24 in March of 2013, I was terrified. By the time I came to you guys last May, I was a little more confident. But being pregnant for the first time I was still nervous and you have always made me feel so accepted. I loved teasing ya'll about getting into the poses when you didn't have a belly to block you. I came back after giving birth with a completely new body and ya'll still treated me like I was the same person, even though I felt so lost. Working with ya'll has always felt like I was just hanging out with friends, and being able to joke about the flesh under our sit bones or how vulnerable you feel in happy baby has helped me to accept the fear, shame and frustration I have found surrounding my body. I can't even begin to express how much I have learned about my 'body issues' by watching you struggle and overcome.
2) Yoga is for Everyone
Being young, flexible, and in decent shape when I began, I didn't really understand just how difficult some of the poses are for folks with different topography. Being pregnant really helped me learn how to modify for folks who are more rotund than I've ever been. The incredibly varied demographic of our classes has shown me that for every super bendy little thing that walks in the door, there's someone with an injury, someone with advanced age, someone with a chronic condition--and we all can benefit from the exact same practice. I don't have to write classes that are crazy hard (although those in my Thursday class know how fun they can be) and I don't have to modify to the 'lowest common denominator' either. I can teach everyone exactly where they are, because yoga has something for everyone.
3) The Classes I Teach Cannot be my Personal Practice
This was a hard one for me. My fear and inexperience created the conditions in which I could not teach without demonstrating. I blamed you guys--I can't tell you how many times I told other instructors about the 'aneurysm' ya'll would have if I started walking around the room. This inability to pull myself off the mat to adjust and help you kept me at a plateau as a teacher. When I was given the gift of the Monday & Thursday Classes, I began doing more physically because I had to--and this increase in practice has transformed me. I have grown so much on the mat with you guys. And that growth has shown me how burnt out I was, reminded me that I need to be practicing at home too, that I cannot be fully present in my own body if I'm teaching at the same time--and that I cannot expect you to be fully present if I'm not. So often I have wondered why you guys weren't getting what I was verbally cuing, only to discover that I wasn't physically modelling what I was saying to you! I cannot be the best teacher for you if I'm not practicing what I preach. Thank you for that lesson, and for being present even when I wasn't.
4) My Style Isn't for Everyone--and that's OK too
There are going to be people who walk out of my class halfway through. There are going to be people who show up for the last 15 minutes only. There are going to be people with ping pong balls driving us all bonkers for who knows how long, and guys who push me because they are 'not gonna wait 5 minutes to do abs.' (direct quote, btw) I wish I could treat our class like a studio, and lock the doors at the beginning to keep them out and us in--but I can't. Not everyone is ready for that kind of commitment to the practice. Not everyone understands that this is not just a body thing. I don't have control of our environment at every moment, and you guys depend on me to set the tone for the practice. I have to be like a duck, letting every little distracting splash roll right off my back, and letting go of the anger that arises when someone does something that I see as hurtful or disrespectful to you. I feel like a mother to my classes, nurturing but protective, and you have made me a better mother. I must model, without demanding. Nurture, without smothering. Hold space without attacking or attaching to an idea of what must be. Give you guys permission to have your own experience. I hope you feel I have done a good job.
Please, come see me at my new studio. Come see me on Saturdays. Come get some healing/coaching. Stay in touch. There is so much more I can learn from you.
