September is here!
I'm sure some of you have noticed that August has been a little...like I ran out of steam. I feel a little like I have run out of steam. Often, yoga instructors are put on a pedestal and expected to be perfectly balanced all the time. I'm sure many of you have this idea about me, that I spend my days drinking green smoothies and AUMing with my toddler, who is already sitting in lotus and channeling.
This is not the case.
I love my son, but he is exhausting. I love my husband, but we disagree. I love my classes, but teaching every day--sometimes multiple times a day--is also exhausting. I take my vitamins (most days) and I try to drink some fresh juice a couple times a week. I try to at least stretch for 10-15 minutes before I teach each class, and occasionally before bed, but I rarely get a personal practice in. Sometimes, I run out of steam.
For me, my life has always been like this. I struggle with anxiety and depression, and I will get excited and life will go well and then I wake up one day and I feel like I could roll over and sleep for three days. I'm crying for an hour, lying on the floor in my son's nursery while he crawls over me. Or while I'm driving to class. Now, before my son, I'd call in sick and buy a fifth of whiskey and hide for a day or two. Then I'd take a shower, dust myself off and go at life again. I indulged my self destructive nature and then packed it away, with shorter and shorter good spurts and longer and longer destructive moments until I was at rock bottom. Before yoga, rock bottom was really low. Usually being jobless and getting evicted from the apartment. After yoga, it started taking less and less time for me to realize what I was doing and could catch myself before I got that low. I still have low times, but I have been able to maintain the necessary awareness to prevent the kind of self destruction I used to participate in. The longer I practice, the less time it takes for me to recognize it. It only took about a week this time.
What I'm trying to say is that no matter who you are, sometimes life is hard. And yoga helps, but it's not a cure-all. It works if you keep at it, and you can keep at it if you are aware enough to recognize when you're slipping--and if you can forgive yourself when you see it. There is forgiveness on the mat, but you have to give it to yourself. We prepare for this with our breathing, our attention; our physical practice is our opportunity to retrain our brain. We acknowledge the slip (the thought, the drink, the cigarette) and we return to our practice without frustration. We return our attention without judgement.
Daily Life is Practice.
This phrase is one that can seem overbearingly esoteric. I know the kind of gut reaction that can be invited when throwing out spiritual cliches. If there's one thing I've learned over the years, however, it's that cliches are there for a reason. The cliches work. All You Need is Love. Each Journey Begins With a Step. We Are the Ones We've Been Waiting For. These phrases burn themselves into my mind, feeling more and more empty each time I turn them over.
Until the day I feel like I can't get out of bed. The day I know I MUST get out of bed, because my 10 month old son needs me to change his diaper. And then I do what I need to. I start the laundry and I change him and lock us into his nursery and I cry on the floor while he crawls and I vow to do better tomorrow. I take the moments I can, when I remember, to do something productive. Sadness and fear punctuated by laundry and the Swiffer. I spend 10 minutes digging in the garden beds and I don't beat myself up for the dirt speckled face my son ends up with. We take a bath and brush our teeth and he goes to bed.
I drink a beer, write a little and then go to sleep. Tomorrow will be better. Each moment, an opportunity to make a better choice. A healthier choice.
Tomorrow I will smile more, and cry less.
And sometimes, that is all you can ask of yourself. Please, if you feel like you are struggling, don't be afraid to ask for help. There are plenty of resources available.
In case you're wondering, we are now accepting volunteers, local businesses, speakers, teachers and hunger organizations who want to participate in the Day of Giving and Thanks on November 22!! Check out the website for the Google Form and get signed up!
I'm also going to be doing a competition the next few months, for a free year subscription to Yoga Journal. Keep your ears peeled!
