Feminism and Parenting
SMXLL
Let me start by saying that if you're still living in a world where you think that saying I'm a feminist means that I hate men, then you're part of the problem.
Only in a patriarchal society can identifying oneself as a person interested in healing the feminine wound be interpreted as hatred. Only when we are used to being in control of someone can we view the liberation of that person as oppression. Because the reality of the situation is that PATRIARCHY HURTS MEN, AND THAT WOUND IS SELF-INFLICTED.
I think it's bullshit that boys are taught that men don't show emotion, don't get scared, don't back down--because every little boy (and every PERSON, for that matter) has emotions, gets scared, and gets into situations from which they should back down. I read this amazing book, called When Boys Become Boys: Development, Relationships, and Masculinity, (by Judy Chu) that follows the development of a group of boys from the ages of 4-6. This is the first time in a child's life that they are really put in social situations that require them to begin navigating the ways in which they are 'supposed' to behave and relate. And the thing that she points out is that in the beginning of these little boys' journeys with her, they are all very open, honest, empathetic and capable of being emotionally perceptive, authentic, and responsive.
But by 1st grade, these same boys had begun playing out our preconceived notions about men--reserved, aggressive and competitive, all in an effort to be 'real boys.' Even our ideas that boys prefer cars/action figures/guns to dolls/coloring/homemaking play is something we teach our children from long before they can understand what a gender role is.
The thing I found most interesting is the one boy who most obviously fit the 'real boy' stereotype (and was the de facto leader of the boys, bullying to maintain control) was also the most insecure and hurting of the boys. He subconciously knew that he had to keep up this act of biggest/strongest because at any moment someone might steal his spot and he'd lose his friends (because their loyalty was to his position, instead of his person).
I see this played out in my life every day. I watch men keeping each other at arm's length, physically hurting one another, verbally assaulting each other, and cheering on the pain they're causing (and experiencing). Is it any wonder that men are more likely to commit suicide than women? Women have been given permission to cry, to lean on each other, to comfort one another and to express their pain/frustration/anger/sadness/etc.
But men can't do that.
Now, before anyone starts calling me a men's rights activist, I would like to clarify that
SOCIETY SAYS MEN AREN'T SUPPOSED TO DO THESE THINGS BECAUSE THEY ARE FEMININE AND THEREFORE WEAK/WRONG/BAD.
The biggest insult on a playground is to call someone with male genetalia something with a feminine implication--throw like a girl, pussy, bitch...
It's still the biggest insult for grown men too. Have you ever watched someone play a video game online? Every other phrase is something along the lines of 'I'm big and manly and you are weak and womanly!!' though never in those exact phrases.
I'm not one to be a big stickler on saying mail-person instead of mailman, or folks instead of guys to a mixed-gender group. I don't particularly care because I don't see those phrases as mean or degrading in any way.
I do have a problem with 'growing balls' being synonymous with strength and being 'a pussy' as synonymous with weakness.
Last time I checked, my pussy pushed out a human being and your balls only need a tiny flick to drop you to your knees.
But beyond the obvious, I have a problem with it because it perpetuates the implication that the masculine is right/good/strong and the feminine is wrong/bad/weak.
And that is a problem because as long as we perpetuate that kind of good/bad duality, then little boys everywhere are going to keep learning that communication/emotions are girly and they therefore don't need them. We're going to continue having grown men kill themselves because they can't provide for their families, instead of asking for help. We're going to see Sons become Fathers who pass on their inheritence of pain and isolation to the next generation.
I don't want that for my son.
But let me tell you, it is not easy to stand up against it.
I am a woman who, quite often, is surrounded by more men than women. I sometimes go days without a full conversation with another woman. And it just becomes background noise (fuck you, pussy! I'm gonna beat this bitch. Shut your whore mouth! I'm gonna take that girl to pound-town.) Mind you, these aren't 15 year old boys. These are GROWN MEN. And they don't see anything about those phrases as being offensive or at the very least unnecessary.
But now that my son can understand what they're saying, it's like hearing it all anew. I feel myself flinch, and then I have to weigh if saying anything is going to be worth the response I get--ugh, why are you so sensitive? It's only a big deal if you make it a big deal. I don't mean it like that.
But it is a big deal. Because Solomon hears what you say, not what you mean. He can't interpret your expression. All he knows is face value, and at face value these things are degrading, disgusting, and mean.
So I have to keep reminding myself that I can't let these things go by. Because each time I ignore it makes saying something harder next time. I don't want to be the angry feminist bitch, but I have to be simply because the fact that is a thing in and of itself is an example of the mysogyny in our culture.
So guys, check yourself. Stop participating in your own destruction. And ladies, speak up. Don't let the men in your life be the ones to screw up our sons.
We need each other.
Check out my first ever published piece in Jesus, Muhammad and the Goddess by clicking here! Buy a copy here.
Here's my second piece, Growth and Guidance, Goddess Style!
